Friends

As I was sitting on my balcony this morning, watching the sun come up and listening to the distant sounds of my children playing in their room, I realized that I don't have a best friend. Everyone has a best friend. I've had a few. We've managed to grow apart or get blocked by something else. It's the friend you do everything with, tell everything to. You know that if you're having a really bad day, you can call that person and they will be there, no matter what.

I recently came to a realization that my best friend and I have began to grow apart. When I moved from the Twin Cities back to Fargo-Moorhead, we slowly started to grow apart. We had little and little to talk about. This last weekend when we were supposed to hang out and catch up, I was blown off. It made me see that maybe we aren't best friends anymore, hell maybe we never were. I'm not bitter about it, I'm happy I can still say I know she is my friend, but it's not that next level anymore. She has someone else, and I'm okay with that.

Here I sit now, missing that extra person in my life. I want to be able to call someone and talk for hours. I want them to come over to my house and sit up with me drinking wine and watching movies. I want to share myself with someone, I want that connection. I miss that friend. I used to have that feeling, the feeling that I had someone. No matter what I knew that in the end I had someone who believed in me and I believed in them just as much. I knew that if I wanted to go on a road trip on a whim, they would be in the passenger seat. I knew if I wanted to try some crazy weight loss plan, they were going to try it with me. I knew that they knew everything about me and I knew everything about them. There was no reason to lie or cover up parts of your life because they didn't care. They simply loved you and you loved them.

I miss that friend, I want that friend, I hope that someday I will have that friend again.

I have a ton of great friends in my life however that continue to keep me smiling and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in this world. I simply miss a partner in crime. I no longer have that and I want it back, want it more than I can say.

Update

I began this school year off to a bad start. I have already missed a few classes (in my defense I was pretty sick) and have let my homework pile up. That needs to stop today! I cannot afford to do badly in school and I know this. I pay for it and I need this education in order to move forward in life. I need a good career so that I can give my children the best future possible.

These last two weeks have also been bad for working out, mainly because I could barely breath with this cold but I really need to be keeping up with that as well. If I want a better body, healthy weight and good skin. I need to take care of myself, which also means quitting smoking and for the most part cutting drinking out of my life as well. Smoking is by far my biggest vice. It has been my release for so many years, I do not know how I will be able to let go of it, but I know I have to. I'm joining  www.quitplan.org to quit for the month of October (and hopefully forever), with them I have a chance to win $5,000. So wish me luck with that!

Besides that, I'm working 14 hours tomorrow and 8 hours on Saturday. I will be pretty quiet through that. I'm also trying to find time between my being lazy and my busy life to write. I need to get on that and I need to do it for fun and for me, not for anyone else.

Labor Day Weekend

So I went down to the Twin Cities. I was extremely excited because I would be able to see my brother, my friends, and do a little shopping. I found out my brother was not going to be there Saturday and most of Sunday however, it was a little disheartening. I understand though because the boy has his irons in a lot of fires, being a hip hop artist is one of them and I respect that when he is booked for an appearance, he has to be there. I knew La would be there though and that kept me happy. We spent some time together on Friday night, we drank (well me and La drank and he laughed at us) and I managed to shatter a McDonalds Coke glass on cushy carpet and of course cut my foot open as well, then later on scrape up my arm. So, we did see each other.

My best friend Amy, who had earlier this week called my husband and his best friend to complain how I haven't been around, had set up some time to see me and totally ditched me when it came time for us to hang out. The next day she called in the early morning but I didn't answer, mainly because I was angry and I'm holding a grudge at the moment. She didn't leave a message or text me either so I'm just going to wait until she decides to call again, I have no time for that drama in my life.

La and I had lots of fun! We went to the Burnsville Mall on  Saturday and did some shopping, I got some new accessories and some new pants. We ate Pretzelmaker pretzels and then later we went to eat noodles at Noodles and Company. After that we went to the grocery store to get some munchies, hair dye, and something to mix with our remaining Ketel One vodka. We hung out until she had to go to bed for work. Ashley B. came over for a little while. I hung out with Ben after they went to bed, we played video games and chatted, it was fun.

Sunday I slept in and when La came home we got some Chinese food then came back and dyed our hair. Robbi came over for a bit and I got to see pics of the little baby in her belly! I'm pretty excited for her and my squishy. La and I talked and smoked lots of cigarettes while we waited for the boys. After spending some time when my brother came home, I let them have some alone time (he had to leave to go to the tattoo shop the next day) and took John on an adventure to see my squishy at Perkins. We talked for a couple hours and we went back to the house and slept. I got the boys the next morning and headed home, the drive was awful, it was raining pretty bad. But, we made it safe and sound and it was a good weekend.


I really want to find a way to move back down there and still be able to afford picking Serenity up every other weekend. This thought is to be continued, I need to go to bed and go to school tomorrow!

Late nights

I haven't been able to sleep a lot lately. My night insomnia is back and rearing it's head at me. It's been making me drag during the day, accomplishing little to nothing and I hate it. This new diet has me losing weight quickly and i like being able to finally see results, but it would be nice to find a medium. You know, get rid of everything bad in my life all at once. I know I can't though, I have to take it all one step at a time. Next step is working out on a regular basis. I'm hoping that will get my energy up during the day and down at night. After that, I want to get my teeth fixed. I went into the dentist and found out prices, now I just need to come up with the money. Smoking is my biggest vice by far, followed closely behind by my love for the taste of alcohol and the party life. I'm 24 years old and probably should be out having lots of fun at this age, but I have 3 kids and they should not have to suffer because I still have these cravings.

School is ugh, school. It's hard these two classes. I want so badly to do well and achieve something, I mean I didn't even make it all the way through high school. I need to do this. I need to have something I can be proud about myself for. I want a career, I want a PhD. I will do this. Hopefully my generals will be over soon and I can dive into my major classes. That will bring out the fun in all of this. Blah!

This is kind of a late night rambling with no real point. I'm sorry for those of you who actually take the time to read it, I have no purpose in this blog other than to ramble. Aidan and Serenity will be home Saturday. I can't wait to see them again. I don't know if I've felt them being gone, but I definitely do miss seeing their faces. I feel like such a horrible parent sometimes. Nothing is getting accomplished, someone needs to light a fire under me. I feel like a robot or a zombie most days. What the hell happened to me? When I find out I'll let you know.

Eating and buying healthy

I have to say, while walking into the supermarket after work today, it was hard to overlook the normal buys of food filled with corn starch and syrup and hormones. I resisted and made my way to my first stop, organic vegetables. I picked up some celery hearts and apples and headed to get diapers. I looked at the organic diapers for a moment, debating upon them and pampers. I still went with Pampers Cruisers Dry Max Diapers, Economy Plus, Size 5 (27+ Lbs), 124 Diapers, It has taken me 3 children and many brands to find which one works, for Liam this is all that will keep him dry and I fear I will be wasting more water washing the soiled clothes and sheets that will amount if I get anything different.

After the diapers it was on to the organics section of Cash Wise. They have always had a decent size section and they have good sales usually as well. I picked up some Soymilk, Plain, Aseptic, Organic, 32 oz., in a two pack. It was near $7.00. Knowing I would be the only one in the house to drink it, I knew that was worth it. I then grabbed some Kashi Golean Cereal, 14.1-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 6), of course it wasn't the pack of six but it was rather 3 different boxes at 4 dollars a box. I picked up Annie's Homegrown Totally Natural Shells & Real Aged Cheddar Mac & Cheese, 6-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12) and Annie's Homegrown Classic Macaroni & Cheese, 6-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12), for lunches. I'm hoping it tastes better than the off brand we normally buy. I grabbed some  Cass Clay 1% milk for Kevin and Liam and then went to the check out. It cost 74 dollars all together and I felt good. I walked out of the store with my reusable totes full, and I felt like I was actually making a change for once. Now to stick to it. Monday is the official day of my start, I will buy only good food for me and my family and research good recipes to cook for them.

I was able to talk to a friend on the phone on the way home and I thoroughly had a good day. Now I shall go to bed because I need to be up early to get Liam ready to go to Lindsey's house while I go set up for the Carrie Underwood concert. Then I HAVE to get some homework done. I don't know if I'll be sticking around to go to the concert yet, I might but I don't know. I may pack a lunch and bring my homework along and just hang out until show time depending when I get done setting up. So, with that, good night world.

Time for change

I've been searching for change for me and my family for awhile now. I'm slowly converting myself to go green. I also want to change what we eat, sadly health food is expensive so we need to find a happy medium so I can feed my family and still be able to give them and me the nutrition we need. I am going to make a list of goals that I hope to achieve by the end of the year.

1. Recycle regularly
2. Buy organic, locally grown and hormone free food.
3. Go one whole month without meat.
4. Exercise 3 times a week
5. Limit television and internet time
6. Be active in my community
7. Walk/Bike to work
8. Go outside more
9. Pay bills ON TIME!
10. Write 250 words a day

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

This past Friday, Justin "Lug" Butler passed away at 9:58 am. It's strange when you lose someone and you don't realize how much they impacted your life, until they're gone. I bawled in bed last night for hours. I am going to miss that man so much. 24 is too young, and as Josh said, "I know now what they mean when they say the good die young". There was a line out the door at the funeral home just to come say goodbye to him. This man has touched so many lives. I wish I would have been able to be there more in the past few years. It's because of him I want to move back to Saint Paul. I need to go home, to all the people I love. I miss them so much. I don't want to start crying again so this entry will be short and sweet. Justin, you are my sunshine and they won't take our sunshine away. I'll see you when I get there and keep you in my left titty for the rest of my life.

Writing

I have so many things in my head but, lately it seems like nothing is coming out of me. I want so badly to write and place creativity into words. I want to write a novel, a book, a story, a poem, another character, a blog... something. I want to write. It's what I do and it's one of the few things in life that makes me... happy. I don't want to write a snippet, or anything of the sorts. I just want to put something onto paper and publish it or just be proud of it. There's so many things in this life that I want to accomplish though, and I'm unsure that there will be enough time to do them. I need to get the motivation and just get them all done. I need to accomplish something. I have the need for that feeling.

I think I will start small. Tomorrow, after my last final of the semester, I am going to clean the living room and do laundry. Somewhere in the middle of that, I am going to cancel cable television and then I will pick up my daughter. While my daughter is here, I am going to make it a point to spend quality time with her. We can play a game, or just read books. I want to enjoy that time and indulge in every moment I have with her at my house. After that, the sky is the limit. Maybe if I am away from the computer and accomplishing the small tasks that I seem to ignore everyday, I will get inspiration to write something. I need to write and I need to fulfill my other duties in life, be a good mom, and learn how to live. Then, and only then, when I have accomplished all those things, then is when I think the writing will come to me. No more procrastination on daily life, that is my new goal.