Inspired.

Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. 

You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. 

And you can be anything. You can be everything.  

Don't hate everyone because someone broke your heart, Or because you parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you ,your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless.

Do not concern yourself with things you can not control.  

Cry when you need to , then let go when it's time. 

Don't hang onto painful memories because your too afraid to forget.

Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren't worth remembering.

Stop taking things for granted. 

Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. 

Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. 

Do this over and over until you know what it really takes to love someone. 

Question things. 

Tell people how you really feel.  

Sleep under the stars.  

Create. Imagine. Inspire. 

Share something wonderful.  

Meet new people.

Make someone's day.  

Follow your dreams. 

Live your life to its full potential.  

Just live dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just fucking live.

And one day, when your old, look back with no regrets.

-Unknown 

This was found on my work computer desktop while I was cleaning it up. It inspired me and I hope it does the same for you. These truths are something that I like to preach to friends and family and even acquaintances at times. All too often though, I find myself convincing myself to do the same. Some days it's easy and on others... well... it's harder than hell. Focusing on many of these things (along with great friends and some family), is what brought me out of an awful depression. Positivity and living life to the fullest potential I can manage is now my routine focus. Some of the shit is hard to let go of, but slowly the bad is disappearing and being filled with new things that are worth my time and energy. I'm starting to feel like a real live grown-up finally at 25 years old, rather than the grown-up stuck in a kid's body that I lived as before. I am inspired. I will stop taking life for granted. I will just fucking live, dammit.

 

Blowing Away in North Dakota

Mondays. I'm not sure who decided to start them, but there is rarely anything good that happens on them. Yesterday was Memorial Day, and as I started my wonderful trip to work I knew it was going to be an awful Shakey Monday. The sun had finally found it's way from behind the clouds and the bearable humidity quickly switched to hard to breath, heat. Working in any kind of heat at Kroll's is hell. The hot grills, tin walls, neon lights, small space, and the awful ventilation system makes everyone who works there a hot, sweaty mess. Of course a lot of the staff started their Shakey Monday shift being crabby or having bad attitudes, so the heat mixed in with it made for tension and outbursts. There was only one slightly bad incident, which made my life easier, though if it wasn't for the storm later.. I have a feeling that, too, would have come back to blow up in my face. (On a side note, especially if you work in the food industry, leave your personal bullshit at the door when you enter work. I don't care where you're from or who you think you are, you need to do your best to maintain civility with your coworkers. There are plenty of people I've worked with that I do not like and annoy me, but I don't go off screaming and yelling at them whenever they get on my nerves. Show some tact and responsibility, this is your job not a high school.)

At around 8pm, clouds started to get darker and quickly changed the sky to pitch black. It really doesn't start to get dark until 9pm or so, this was a concern that big thunderstorms were on their way, but really, I've never been one to freak out about bad weather (I live in Fargo, for fucks sake). The Doppler showed a big red cloud heading straight for us, and when rain started to sprinkle I decided it would be a good time to shut the windows in my van. Kroll's went into a mild state of panic, customers were running to get to go cups for their shakes and pay for their meals. A few of the servers were more than freaked out and the rest were a little shaken up along with the other people on the clock. While I was shutting the windows in the van (and practically being blown over by the strong winds picking up), the sirens sounded. I shut and locked my van, then ran to call home. This is the one and only point that I came close to freaking out. After several attempts of not getting Kevin on the phone, I began shaking and got slightly afraid. Standing outside watching the storm, he finally picked up and simultaneously I watched the power go out in Wal-Mart and soon after, Kroll's was out as well. I told Kevin to get the kids down to the basement, his response being "What? Why?" In which I responded "Because there's a fucking tornado coming!" loudly and in front of customers. I can't say I cared much at that point though, I was just happy to get him on the phone and know my kids would be safe.

I hung up my phone and one of the girls approached me in a panic, tears already streaming down her face and barely able to make out words. I ushered the seven girls outside to the already open tornado/bomb shelter/storage space. I held the door open so the 70+ mph winds did not slam it shut. I was drenched in minutes from sideways rain that was coming down in sheets. Between the wind making it hard to breath, the weather plus the power outage making it too dark to see, and the rain pushing messing with my contacts so I was constantly forced to blink, I had to make my way down the ladder after the first 8 or 9 people had made it down safely. Luckily, I knew my manager was coming up on the tail of people and was confident he could get the rest of the people down safely.

In my five years of working, I had never been down in the shelter/storage place at Kroll's Diner. For some reason I expected to be able to stand eventually, but unfortunately it stays 4ft. tall the entire way through. It's close to the size of the entire restaurant, however, which was a major surprise to me. The initial getting everyone down there took some time, all the while the first bunch I had brought down were scared and shaken up. I quickly discovered I did not have enough arms and shoulders to comfort my staff... many of which are my friends beyond work. I also had to try to make sure everyone was still getting down okay, and with little light (until my manager appeared at the end with the flash light to save the day) it was a challenge to say the least. I got my growing half sitting down, doing my best to make rounds to comfort the shaken up staff and one of my regular customers who doesn't move around well as is. People started getting a hold of their loved ones that they were worried about and I made my way to check on the other side before going out with one of my best friends B to assess the storm. Between him, me and the manager we managed to each get a dry cigarette and working lighter. I threw my wet ones out into the wind in a small fit of anger (I'm not one to litter, ever so please forgive me) and B went to make sure there was no one left in front of the building. It seemed eerie, the rain had died down and the wind was swirling, the sky was a bright green and yellow. It was so bright that we could see across the parking lots, where we couldn't see hours before.

We weren't down there for long and we ended up crawling back out. We had 5 servers, 2 shake makers, a hostess, my manager, 1 dishwasher, 2 regulars, 4 customers, my best friend B (who had gotten off work around 8:20pm, got out of the shower at his trailer and heard the sirens), his girlfriend A, their 2 cats in a carrier, and I down there. The other dishwasher and cook on duty left soon after the sirens went off to get their families in the trailer park to safety. Once upstairs, some of us started helping clean the place up with the manager and get stuff put away and covered with the security light to guide our way. One of the girls lost her supper due to being so shaken up, I stayed away from cleaning that up, luckily another server was there to save the day. Slowly everyone started to head home after a half an hour, I was one of the last to leave besides my manager and the amazing overnight server who still showed up for her shift only a minute late. Once my phone was dry I was able to check on my daughter and some of my friends who I hadn't heard a report on. I put my soaked shoes back on and headed home to tell Kevin the tale and play a couple games of Star Trek Collector's Edition Scrabble (which I won at the 2010 Core Con and hadn't opened yet) by lantern light. The power stayed out until we went to bed around 4:30 am. I'm not sure when it came back on, but it was back by 8am when the house got up.

I was really amazed at how much Kroll's is still like a family. We definitely don't all get along all the time, some of us never will.People have dated each other, hated each other, loved each other and everything in between there. The ones that worked under Don, to the ones that have only been there 6 months to 2 years, all of us have a bond and whether they annoy us or piss us off on a regular basis, in the end we all end up taking care of each other. I know for a fact we stick up for each other, outside of work problems especially. I'm glad that wasn't my last night spent there as it was supposed to be originally. I have 2 more shifts this weekend to spend saying goodbye to that wretched place and all the people I love inside of it. I'm sure there will be a festival of my finally getting out of their hair (I expect "Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead" and similar songs to be sang in my wake). I will miss Kroll's Diner, that chapter of my life, though I think this may be the only place I'll ever admit it.

Long time coming...

Remember that New Year's resolution I made to blog a couple times a week at least? Yeah, uh, I guess I skipped that one. Sorry. I did however, make it to class almost everyday and ended the semester with all A's and B's. It was definitely a very busy semester though. Now it is over and I am preparing for my light summer courses. I now work in the Political Science and Economics Department at MSUM. It's a fun but rather boring job. I don't do much other than sit at a desk to be available should anyone call or decide to drop by with questions, etc. I sometimes get to work on little projects or copy large amounts of items for professors in the departments. The most moving around I do is going down to get the mail every day and occasionally dropping off the mail later on. There is no doubt in my mind that it will continue to drive me a little crazy in these beginning weeks but I'm sure I'll adapt soon enough.

Since I've started the new position I must point out that I am not going to try and work full time at Kroll's, take 15 credit semesters, work at the school, and try to make time in there for sleep and my children. No, instead I have decided that my 5 year long affair with Kroll's Diner has come to an end. My last day there will be June 5th. I'd be lying if I said that I'm completely happy to be rid of the place, but I'm not devastated either. There is an attachment I will have to that place and I have made some friends there that will be with me long after I leave there forever. As far as serving the general population, supervising a sub-standard sometimes downright idiotic serving staff, handling a spineless boss, and working 14 hour shifts with no break, that I won't miss.

Besides the changes in my job life, I have changed my major to Political Science and kept my minor in writing. While going over essays in the beginning of the semester for peer reviews, I decided that I did not want to spend the rest of my life analyzing essays written about books that I cherish and use to escape the depths of reality. I chose my second love, political history and theory. I'm going to be emphasizing in Strategic Studies and learning all the fun things about the history of war, designing and tearing down governments and then reconstructing them from the dirt. So far it has been great and I am getting to express a side of me I thought was lost a long time ago.

I'm finding and reshaping myself bit by bit. I am continuing to try and find who I am and who I want to be, of course I don't think this process will ever truly end. My children are growing and always finding ways to put a little more sunshine in my life, even on those days I don't think anyone could. Kevin and I... well... we're working on it and hopefully someday our relationship will be what it should be, on both sides, but for now we are civil and I'd like to say we are becoming friends again and as always we are developing into a dynamic team of parents outside of the personal bullshit. I almost forgot to mention that I was medicated this year. Diagnosis ADHD, I am now taking Adderall XR. It's not awful, but I hope to find ways to live without medication and work with the attention disorder, as I did with the depression. I have also managed to lose 33 pounds since January..... I think that's all I have to update on so far, if I forgot anything I'll be sure to write it in later. For now, I am going back to reading and from here I promise to take a little bit more time to write in this thing and finally put some new recipes in my other one. Bugz and Fishez to those who stick by this silly unupdated thing.

Sweet? Irresistably so? HA!

Apparently, I have Scarlett over at Confessions of a Shieldmaiden fooled. I have been honored with the Irresistibly Sweet blog award. Not many describe my blunt force of honesty as sweet, nor my opinionated and quirky personality, definitely not irresistibly sweet, at that. I could list several profane substitutions to the description, but instead I'll be honored to take it and keep the smile on my face.

In order to complete my acceptance, I have to list five guilty pleasures of mine... guess I'll need to narrow down the field, huh? Next I have to pass this award on to three other Irresistibly Sweet Bloggers. That one may be hard as well, I haven't been in the blog world long, so I'll do my best... I promise.

Guilty Pleasure #1: Music. Oh my ever lasting affair with music. Ever since I remember, I've been jamming out to tunes. Whether it comes from a tape cassette, compact disc, mp3 player, radio, computer, my phone, or just the station in my head, I'm almost always jamming out to something. I'm a true believer in music effecting emotions and being able to help turn a good day better, or a bad day good. I am always searching for new artists to listen to and often go to many local shows to see the up and coming amateurs. I love music, I always will. I even changed my major in school to add Music Industry, ya know... just in case.

 Guilty Pleasure #2- Writing. I've kept a journal since I was about 8 or 9. I still have that old thing somewhere and have tried to keep all of them since. Granted lately I've been more into the blog world, there's something pure about still writing everything down on paper. I write whenever I can. There's always a journal and a notebook on me, because you never know when you're going to hear a great quote or get that good idea for a story or a poem. I love writing, it's my passion and I hope to get really good at it someday, until then, I will continue to practice.

Guilty Pleasure #3- Gaming. Now, I still remember when I played an Atari for the first time. I whooped Donkey Kong's arse and I was hooked. Through the years I have been privledged to be able to play on many systems, whether I was at an arcade or at a friend's house. I play everything. My computer is always being upgraded to support the games I play online and when I need to let out some aggression, nothing helps better than grabbing a controller and popping a game into the console or CD-ROM. I will also lump in RPG's here. Yes, I roleplay. I play on twitter and forums. I've also participated in live action games, granted I haven't done that for awhile. Along with this, board games. I love board games. From cards to Trivia Pursuit to Candyland and Sorry. I love all types of games and they will always be my guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure #4- Boy Meets World. I have been watching this show forever! I quote it all the time and I just can't help loving every re-run. I followed Corey and Topanga in all their flirting, break-ups and make-ups. I have every episode on my lap top and I am just in love with this show. "I married a moose, we don't need counseling" -Eric "Plays With Squirrels" Matthews. :D

Guilty Pleasure #5- Literature. I'm studying it for a profession and it's definitely a big guilty pleasure. When I have the chance to toss a text book aside and hide from the chaos that is my constant every day life, I usually can be found curled up with a book. I dream of having my own library someday. I also collect old books when I can, I love the vintage look of an old classic on my shelf.

Whew. That was a hard task to complete. Now onto the next one... naming 3 more irresistibly sweet bloggers.

1. Natasha over at The Heroine's Domain. I've had the pleasure of getting to know Natasha a lot better over the last year and she is most definitely irresistibly sweet. A fellow writer and vegetarian, her blog is filled with great reads, good advice, inspiring advice, and little geek world updates. I look forward to her posts every week.

2. Jen from Life is Good in the Land of Jen. We've only met once, but we've talked on twitter a ton. Jen is an awesome person and I enjoy the smile her blog posts and tweets bring to my face. I hope I get to move out to Washington and get to know her better.

3. Laura at Talking Muffins, she hasn't been around for a little bit but she's a good writer. From her you're sure to get good news on the pharmacy world and lots of good reads. Also, if you're obsessed with shoes... she probably has more, no kidding. We have never had the pleasure of meeting and we're polar opposites, but we have a connection that is unstoppable. I rarely go a day without talking to her at least once. Also, spam her and tell her to go to school at NDSU. :)

Thanks again for the award! I hope to continue diving deeper into the blog world and living up to this award some day. :)

2011 Hopes and Dreams

"I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake" -Yeal Naim

It's a brand new year and hopefully by the end of it, a brand new me. I haven't been writing much lately and I feel really bad for it. I don't know if it was the holidays, school, work, or just my own unmotivated depression, but I just have not been sitting down and doing what I promised myself I would work more on. So far in the past week, I've been able to catch up on some sites and a few other projects. I'm sorry I've neglected my blog, I'm changing that I PROMISE.

Alright, now on to the hard part... resolutions. These are all necessary and I believe if I can achieve even half of them, I will be better for it.

1. Go to class and STUDY!-  I know that this should be a given, right? I'm paying for college and I'm already late in the game. I shouldn't be making stupid mistakes like sleeping in or just skipping class. Truth is, this last semester I was not on my game in the very least. I didn't give my all and that really reflected in my grades. I need to go to class everyday and study for the tests. I need to give my all in school, this is my future and in return, the future of my children. 
2. Convert to a vegan lifestyle- This past year I was a vegetarian for 4 months, I felt healthier and I even lost some weight. I slipped back into my old ways during vacation and never got back into it. So this year, it's all or nothing. I am moving on to being healthier and yes, it's about the animals and the environment, too.
3. Go Green- I have set up the house to start recycling. I don't live in a house, so it's a little more difficult to get everything out but, it's not an excuse. I am sick of taking the trash out everyday and I know that a family of 5 recycling, makes a difference. Along with going vegan, I will also be purchasing environment friendly products or making my own. It's going to be a transition and it will take some getting used to, but I think as a family we will be able to lessen our impact on the enviorment.
4. Pay bills on time and follow budget- I know, it's another no brainer but, what can I say? I'm a bit irresponsible with money and have dug myself a little hole because of it. I want to grow up before I'm 30 and have mountains of debt that my kids will still be paying off when I die. I have a budget set up now and my accountant of a mother will be helping me stick to it, here's to hoping I can.
5. Exercise 4 times a week- This just needs to be done. I'm overweight and it's bad for my self-esteem and my health. I want to lose 60 pounds by the end of the year and I hope I can.
6. Write a novel- Whether it's a scrapper or just a portion of it. I want to really get into my creative side and start writing something more than just fan fictions or poems. 
7. Blog twice a week- I need to keep this updated, I think it will not only help me personally but it will let my writing take off as well.
8. Quit Smoking- I need to do it, it's a burden in my life and it's yet another thing that is making me unhealthy. So, before the end of this year I want to rid myself of this vice.
9. Be clutter free- I have too much of it in my house, I'm going to get rid of it all before we move at the end of May and I want to start fresh. My home should be my sanctuary and I am determined to make it that way.
10. Rigorous Honesty- That's right, no more white lies or stupid stories that aren't true just to make myself look better. I don't need to do it and no one needs to hear it. I think it will help me with my fear of confrontation as well. So, don't ask me a question you don't want the honest answer to.

There you have it. My list of resolutions. I am determined, now let's hope I don't lose that in the following months. So far, this is my first blog post of the week. I'm sick, so I haven't worked out yet this week but hopefully tomorrow I will feel more up to the challenge. I have made all vegan meals since Monday. Unfortunately, the two blizzards that left us stranded inside prevented me from getting the ingredients earlier. I was able to say goodbye to all of my greasy and yucky eating habits though, and I'm on the road to becoming a new, healthier and hopefully, better me. Make sure to check out Good Kitchen Magic to see Scarlett and my adventures in cooking and also going vegan. Much love and I hope 2011 brings good things for you all.