Inspired.

Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. 

You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. 

And you can be anything. You can be everything.  

Don't hate everyone because someone broke your heart, Or because you parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you ,your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless.

Do not concern yourself with things you can not control.  

Cry when you need to , then let go when it's time. 

Don't hang onto painful memories because your too afraid to forget.

Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren't worth remembering.

Stop taking things for granted. 

Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. 

Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. 

Do this over and over until you know what it really takes to love someone. 

Question things. 

Tell people how you really feel.  

Sleep under the stars.  

Create. Imagine. Inspire. 

Share something wonderful.  

Meet new people.

Make someone's day.  

Follow your dreams. 

Live your life to its full potential.  

Just live dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just fucking live.

And one day, when your old, look back with no regrets.

-Unknown 

This was found on my work computer desktop while I was cleaning it up. It inspired me and I hope it does the same for you. These truths are something that I like to preach to friends and family and even acquaintances at times. All too often though, I find myself convincing myself to do the same. Some days it's easy and on others... well... it's harder than hell. Focusing on many of these things (along with great friends and some family), is what brought me out of an awful depression. Positivity and living life to the fullest potential I can manage is now my routine focus. Some of the shit is hard to let go of, but slowly the bad is disappearing and being filled with new things that are worth my time and energy. I'm starting to feel like a real live grown-up finally at 25 years old, rather than the grown-up stuck in a kid's body that I lived as before. I am inspired. I will stop taking life for granted. I will just fucking live, dammit.

 

Blowing Away in North Dakota

Mondays. I'm not sure who decided to start them, but there is rarely anything good that happens on them. Yesterday was Memorial Day, and as I started my wonderful trip to work I knew it was going to be an awful Shakey Monday. The sun had finally found it's way from behind the clouds and the bearable humidity quickly switched to hard to breath, heat. Working in any kind of heat at Kroll's is hell. The hot grills, tin walls, neon lights, small space, and the awful ventilation system makes everyone who works there a hot, sweaty mess. Of course a lot of the staff started their Shakey Monday shift being crabby or having bad attitudes, so the heat mixed in with it made for tension and outbursts. There was only one slightly bad incident, which made my life easier, though if it wasn't for the storm later.. I have a feeling that, too, would have come back to blow up in my face. (On a side note, especially if you work in the food industry, leave your personal bullshit at the door when you enter work. I don't care where you're from or who you think you are, you need to do your best to maintain civility with your coworkers. There are plenty of people I've worked with that I do not like and annoy me, but I don't go off screaming and yelling at them whenever they get on my nerves. Show some tact and responsibility, this is your job not a high school.)

At around 8pm, clouds started to get darker and quickly changed the sky to pitch black. It really doesn't start to get dark until 9pm or so, this was a concern that big thunderstorms were on their way, but really, I've never been one to freak out about bad weather (I live in Fargo, for fucks sake). The Doppler showed a big red cloud heading straight for us, and when rain started to sprinkle I decided it would be a good time to shut the windows in my van. Kroll's went into a mild state of panic, customers were running to get to go cups for their shakes and pay for their meals. A few of the servers were more than freaked out and the rest were a little shaken up along with the other people on the clock. While I was shutting the windows in the van (and practically being blown over by the strong winds picking up), the sirens sounded. I shut and locked my van, then ran to call home. This is the one and only point that I came close to freaking out. After several attempts of not getting Kevin on the phone, I began shaking and got slightly afraid. Standing outside watching the storm, he finally picked up and simultaneously I watched the power go out in Wal-Mart and soon after, Kroll's was out as well. I told Kevin to get the kids down to the basement, his response being "What? Why?" In which I responded "Because there's a fucking tornado coming!" loudly and in front of customers. I can't say I cared much at that point though, I was just happy to get him on the phone and know my kids would be safe.

I hung up my phone and one of the girls approached me in a panic, tears already streaming down her face and barely able to make out words. I ushered the seven girls outside to the already open tornado/bomb shelter/storage space. I held the door open so the 70+ mph winds did not slam it shut. I was drenched in minutes from sideways rain that was coming down in sheets. Between the wind making it hard to breath, the weather plus the power outage making it too dark to see, and the rain pushing messing with my contacts so I was constantly forced to blink, I had to make my way down the ladder after the first 8 or 9 people had made it down safely. Luckily, I knew my manager was coming up on the tail of people and was confident he could get the rest of the people down safely.

In my five years of working, I had never been down in the shelter/storage place at Kroll's Diner. For some reason I expected to be able to stand eventually, but unfortunately it stays 4ft. tall the entire way through. It's close to the size of the entire restaurant, however, which was a major surprise to me. The initial getting everyone down there took some time, all the while the first bunch I had brought down were scared and shaken up. I quickly discovered I did not have enough arms and shoulders to comfort my staff... many of which are my friends beyond work. I also had to try to make sure everyone was still getting down okay, and with little light (until my manager appeared at the end with the flash light to save the day) it was a challenge to say the least. I got my growing half sitting down, doing my best to make rounds to comfort the shaken up staff and one of my regular customers who doesn't move around well as is. People started getting a hold of their loved ones that they were worried about and I made my way to check on the other side before going out with one of my best friends B to assess the storm. Between him, me and the manager we managed to each get a dry cigarette and working lighter. I threw my wet ones out into the wind in a small fit of anger (I'm not one to litter, ever so please forgive me) and B went to make sure there was no one left in front of the building. It seemed eerie, the rain had died down and the wind was swirling, the sky was a bright green and yellow. It was so bright that we could see across the parking lots, where we couldn't see hours before.

We weren't down there for long and we ended up crawling back out. We had 5 servers, 2 shake makers, a hostess, my manager, 1 dishwasher, 2 regulars, 4 customers, my best friend B (who had gotten off work around 8:20pm, got out of the shower at his trailer and heard the sirens), his girlfriend A, their 2 cats in a carrier, and I down there. The other dishwasher and cook on duty left soon after the sirens went off to get their families in the trailer park to safety. Once upstairs, some of us started helping clean the place up with the manager and get stuff put away and covered with the security light to guide our way. One of the girls lost her supper due to being so shaken up, I stayed away from cleaning that up, luckily another server was there to save the day. Slowly everyone started to head home after a half an hour, I was one of the last to leave besides my manager and the amazing overnight server who still showed up for her shift only a minute late. Once my phone was dry I was able to check on my daughter and some of my friends who I hadn't heard a report on. I put my soaked shoes back on and headed home to tell Kevin the tale and play a couple games of Star Trek Collector's Edition Scrabble (which I won at the 2010 Core Con and hadn't opened yet) by lantern light. The power stayed out until we went to bed around 4:30 am. I'm not sure when it came back on, but it was back by 8am when the house got up.

I was really amazed at how much Kroll's is still like a family. We definitely don't all get along all the time, some of us never will.People have dated each other, hated each other, loved each other and everything in between there. The ones that worked under Don, to the ones that have only been there 6 months to 2 years, all of us have a bond and whether they annoy us or piss us off on a regular basis, in the end we all end up taking care of each other. I know for a fact we stick up for each other, outside of work problems especially. I'm glad that wasn't my last night spent there as it was supposed to be originally. I have 2 more shifts this weekend to spend saying goodbye to that wretched place and all the people I love inside of it. I'm sure there will be a festival of my finally getting out of their hair (I expect "Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead" and similar songs to be sang in my wake). I will miss Kroll's Diner, that chapter of my life, though I think this may be the only place I'll ever admit it.

Long time coming...

Remember that New Year's resolution I made to blog a couple times a week at least? Yeah, uh, I guess I skipped that one. Sorry. I did however, make it to class almost everyday and ended the semester with all A's and B's. It was definitely a very busy semester though. Now it is over and I am preparing for my light summer courses. I now work in the Political Science and Economics Department at MSUM. It's a fun but rather boring job. I don't do much other than sit at a desk to be available should anyone call or decide to drop by with questions, etc. I sometimes get to work on little projects or copy large amounts of items for professors in the departments. The most moving around I do is going down to get the mail every day and occasionally dropping off the mail later on. There is no doubt in my mind that it will continue to drive me a little crazy in these beginning weeks but I'm sure I'll adapt soon enough.

Since I've started the new position I must point out that I am not going to try and work full time at Kroll's, take 15 credit semesters, work at the school, and try to make time in there for sleep and my children. No, instead I have decided that my 5 year long affair with Kroll's Diner has come to an end. My last day there will be June 5th. I'd be lying if I said that I'm completely happy to be rid of the place, but I'm not devastated either. There is an attachment I will have to that place and I have made some friends there that will be with me long after I leave there forever. As far as serving the general population, supervising a sub-standard sometimes downright idiotic serving staff, handling a spineless boss, and working 14 hour shifts with no break, that I won't miss.

Besides the changes in my job life, I have changed my major to Political Science and kept my minor in writing. While going over essays in the beginning of the semester for peer reviews, I decided that I did not want to spend the rest of my life analyzing essays written about books that I cherish and use to escape the depths of reality. I chose my second love, political history and theory. I'm going to be emphasizing in Strategic Studies and learning all the fun things about the history of war, designing and tearing down governments and then reconstructing them from the dirt. So far it has been great and I am getting to express a side of me I thought was lost a long time ago.

I'm finding and reshaping myself bit by bit. I am continuing to try and find who I am and who I want to be, of course I don't think this process will ever truly end. My children are growing and always finding ways to put a little more sunshine in my life, even on those days I don't think anyone could. Kevin and I... well... we're working on it and hopefully someday our relationship will be what it should be, on both sides, but for now we are civil and I'd like to say we are becoming friends again and as always we are developing into a dynamic team of parents outside of the personal bullshit. I almost forgot to mention that I was medicated this year. Diagnosis ADHD, I am now taking Adderall XR. It's not awful, but I hope to find ways to live without medication and work with the attention disorder, as I did with the depression. I have also managed to lose 33 pounds since January..... I think that's all I have to update on so far, if I forgot anything I'll be sure to write it in later. For now, I am going back to reading and from here I promise to take a little bit more time to write in this thing and finally put some new recipes in my other one. Bugz and Fishez to those who stick by this silly unupdated thing.