The End is Near

Tomorrow I am quitting smoking. I have my patches that were sent to me from the North Dakota QuitNet service. I am both nervous and excited for this new step in my life. I have smoked for a very long time. I don't remember very much of my life without smoking. I started at a young age and it progressed into the ugly nasty habit it is today.

What I'm excited for:

1. Smelling better
2. Better breathing
3. Better tastebuds
4. Health
5. Saving Money
6. More time to do other things

What I'm nervous about:

1. Withdrawal symptoms
2. Gaining weight

Hmmmm, pros outweigh the cons a bit, huh? I hope I'll still be one of the cool kids... ;)

Bottled Water vs. The World

Before you reach for a bottled water, I suggest you watch this movie. The website is here: Tapped. Bottled water is evil. Stop buying it, stop drinking it, and support the cause. Bottled water is a bad, bad thing. Don't pay money for contaminated tap water. Save some lives. Save the environment. DO IT!!!

I was on the TV yesterday

http://www.wday.com/event/article/id/57428/group/News/

I was on television talking about state grants. I'm told I did well, I hope I did. I feel I could have been more prepared and looked a bit better, but there's nothing to be done about it now. Check out the link above if you want to see it.

Aidan getting married

This morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door for work and school, my son, Aidan, had some interesting news for me. "Hey, Mom, so there's this girl at school and she says that when she grows up, she's going to marry me." He shook his head and looked down at this crazy notion. "I have to think about it though."

As any good mother would do, I busted out laughing. He has periods of talking just like an adult. I love talking to him. His imagination is vast and ever-changing. I told him that if he already knows who he's going to marry, he may as well start saving up now for the wedding. He preceded to look at me like I was insane and go back to helping his brother put on his shoes.

Nevertheless, my morning kicked off to a great start (even if I did wake up late). How did your morning turn out?

Working out

This is going to be a quick post. I still have another 3 of these to catch up on besides my daily commitment.

I hate working out. I love the idea of running or dedicating 1-2 hours a day to sweating and toning but I hate actually doing it. I wasn't always this way though. I used to be athletic in high school. When I started slacking off and partying, I lost my athletics and slowly started the bad habits that led to my obesity issue.

Last year I managed to lose 70 pounds. Well the year before and last year. This year I want to take off the rest and get fit. I'm about 45 pounds from my goal weight. I am far away from fitness. Its been about 10 years since I worked out regularly. I am contemplating getting a personal trainer just so I can learn how to work out again and what will work best for me. Here's to finding motivation and getting healthy.

Hairless No More

More and more I have become fascinated with the beauty rituals that have been adapted into the western culture I live in. It dawned on me this week as I was trying to sooth another case of razor burn, why do I shave? There really isn't a justified purpose behind it at all. It's not proven to be more hygienic. Men don't shave their armpits, legs, or bikini area and as long as they shower, they smell fine. So, really, the only reason women go through the time and effort of shaving is to create some unnatural illusion that they are not born with hair.

I started shaving when I was 9 or 10 years old. I look at my 8 year old daughter now and I would never allow her to start shaving in the next couple of years, that's just ridiculous. The only time in my life I could see me shaving as justified, was when I was a swimmer. As a swimmer, shaving off all the hair on your body can equal shaving off seconds on your best time at a meet. That's why they wear swim caps. Male swimmers even shave. But, I haven't been a swimmer since the 9th grade.

I decided to do my research and figure out why women started shaving to begin with. We all came from somewhere else, and most other women in other countries do not shave. I found a little gem of a column here by Cecil Adams. This all started from marketers. Go figure. Ads started showing women in fancy new sleeveless dresses with bare underarms. It took a few years, but women in the U.S. and U.K. finally gave into to the ploy. Legs came later when sheer stockings came into style. It blows my mind to think that I have been shaving all these years because some ad told my elders I should.

I won't go on ranting. I have made the decision to stop shaving. I'm sure it will take some getting used to, for both me and my partner. I'm not making some huge feminist statement here. I just honestly don't see the point. There is no practical reason to do it, so I'm not going to. I know I will be saving money by not buying all those expensive razors and shaving cream. I will be saving the environment by being able to cut the 5-15 minutes of extra shower time it takes to shave. I am always looking for ways to save time and use less resources.

Call me gross, call me crazy, call me what you will. I am not going to waste my time with an unpractical task any longer. I really don't care if other people think I'm ugly or gross. They don't have to look, and I am not asking anyone to jump on the bandwagon with me. This is my choice and I'm happy to be making it. 

Rant: Anti-Obama

Okay, so I have a few posts to catch up on in order to win the Ultimate Blog Challenge. To do that, I'm going to dedicate a couple of these to rants. I happen to be one of those people who likes to share their opinion, whether it's needed or not. So, if you don't want to read it, feel free to look away now.

I have a major problem with all of the Anti-Obama talk I've been hearing lately. Now, if you have always been a republican and just do not like democrats, I understand. To be honest, republicans do not have a lot going for them in their corner this year. I think that was proven in the Iowa caucus earlier this week. The clowns they have running for red candidate are ridiculous. I would love to know where they dug these people up. They are pretty entertaining to watch. I feel bad for the people who actually believe the crap that is being spewed from their voice holes.

Why have people turned on Obama? There are several reasons I have seen around. First off, he bailed out the banks. Yes, he did do that. What would have happened if the banks didn't get bailed out? The only historical thing that we could relate it to would be the Great Depression of 1929. Yes, it would have been that bad. 19 months after 30 billion dollars was given by the Federal Reserve, industrial production rate was still 14 percent below it's peak in 2007. When the Great Depression happened, industrial production was 54 percent below it's peak. Think of how quickly that would have happened if they hadn't gotten bailed out. They didn't think it could happen back then, but it did. It could have happened in 2008, and it would have.

Next thing people like to say Obama is doing wrong is health care. I know, how dare he try to instill some crazy socialist program into our democracy? We don't support that communist mumbo jumbo over here in 'Merica! News flash, if you went to a public school, hung out in a public park, or gone to check out a book at your local library, you are supporting socialism at it's best. Social programs are things like public education, public transportation, public parks, rest areas, etc. These are all things that everyone pays for so that they can take part in their convenience. Tell me, why would it be so awful to have nation wide health care? While we're at it, why can't we put more money into education and take some out of things like defense? We have a pretty well equipped military, I'm not saying let's take food away from a soldier, but do we really need another super high tech robot drone? There's other areas to cut spending, this, of course, was just an example.

I'm not going to get into everything people say, it would take me all night to defend everything people say he's done wrong. Bottom line, he will make mistakes. He is human, after all. One thing people neglect to realize is that he is not the sole person running our country. A lot of people put the blame on the nation symbol (president) but, who really gets those bills onto Obama's desk? Who is shutting down democratic ideas and things that would boost the economy left and right? It's Congress, people. Congress runs your country and they do it through you. The polarization in Congress right now is awful. Republicans have had the upper-hand for the past few years and they simply will not budge when it comes to anything democratic. These are people that everyone elects. My suggestion is, if you want to see something done:

1. Talk to your senator or representative. Tell them you are a concerned constituent and that you don't like certain things that aren't being done. Tell them about specific bills. Write them, email them, call them, or stop by in a local office. They are there to listen to you. They have to, its kind of their job.
2. Join an interest group that is geared towards what you stand for. It is a great way to stay updated and also get involved without having to feel like you don't matter.
3. Go vote! If you don't vote, don't complain. It doesn't take long and it's your country. What the hell could be more important than where you live? Stop being an apathetic lazy butt and voice your opinion, or shut the hell up. I have no time for people who complain about things going wrong in their country and turn around and refuse to vote. 

Closing statement, how did you think cleaning up after bush would go? What Obama has done for those curious.

End rant here. I am always happy to share my sources and debate with people. Be honest. I can take it.

Feeling awful

I don't know what I caught but today I have felt like absolute crap. It started when I went in to donate plasma and continued throughout the day. Tonight I feel somewhat better. I proceeded to eat mac-n-cheese and peppermint candy, however. Let's just leave it as that didn't help much.

I work in the morning and I have student senate things I need to accomplish tomorrow, as well. I need to get better so I can complete my lists of tasks. Lets hope I can get more sleep soon and get everything done. Wish me luck. I promise my blog posts will be more interesting in the future.

2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Exercise 
2. Blog regularly
3. Continue to change to a more green way of living
4. Read 50 books
5. Follow our budget
6. Be time efficient
7. Put in my best effort in my studies
8. Quit smoking
9. Stay positive
10. Novel

I'm not giving them the descriptions I did last year. These are mainly for me to keep myself accountable. All of these things will help me be better in my life and I need to do them. There are many more things I could add to the list but I think 10 things is enough for now and the rest can be placed under my ultimate goal list. I have already started on some of these and I will continue to work on all of these throughout the year.

2011 Resolutions

Looking back to my last year's resolutions, I can already see that I failed to accomplish some of them. This only means I will have to work much harder to achieve said goals this year. I decided to go over them now, see where my progress is, and then I can work towards setting my next years resolutions.

1. Go to class and study. I think that I achieved this. My previous lack of motivation and focus were replaced in 2011. I managed to make the Dean's List for the first time spring semester. I ended my summer semester with A's across the board and this past fall I got 5 A's and 1 B. I am actually fairly surprised, but I made it to class on time every day, minus a couple sick days near the end. I also worked hard on making study guides and keeping up with all the required reading that needed to be done. I think all of these things helped me develop better study skills and achieve my goal. I definitely left room for improvement, though. I know that I wasn't performing my best and that is where I should be at. I want to make it to a good grad school and get a good career that I'm happy in, for that I need to work harder.

2. Convert to a Vegan lifestyle. I lasted about 3 or 4 months as a vegan. I have to say, giving up cheese was probably the hardest part. Nutritional yeast and some of the soy/rice/veggie cheeses can come close, but it is just not the same. I did continue as a vegetarian. I was not strict about it, I had meat at my friend's wedding and then again in November. I have been eating meat since. :( I will get back on track again. My main concern is cost at this point. I do want to lessen my meat intake overall, I just need to find an effective way to do it.

3. Go Green. I started recycling anything and everything that my local recycling center would accept. Everyone in the family got into it. I also did my best to use less water, conserve energy sources by shutting and unplugging them when not in use, and cut consumption of resources. I think I've been doing good in this area. I continue to try and improve on this all the time.

4. Pay Bills on Time and Follow my Budget. This got better. However, I failed to do well in this area. I succumb to consumerism just as much as some of my other fellow Americans. It's awful. I need to work on this. I am still in debt, I still have bills I need to pay, and I still have bad credit. This will be one to carry on into 2012.

5. Exercise 4 Times a Week. Yeah... let's just say this lasted a month and then I gave up. I'm going to leave it at that without trying to make an excuse for it. Let's be honest, there is no excuse, I'm just lazy and hate exercising.

6. Write a Novel. I got to about 34,000 in the Camp NANOWRIMO challenge. I however stopped trying and fell off the writing wagon. I did get the book Ready, Set, Novel by Lindsey Grant, Tavia Stewart-Streit and Chris Baty for Christmas, from laura_megan. I think that it will help me get focused on my novel writing this year. I hope for the best.


7. Blog twice weekly. This didn't happen, I don't know why, I just failed. I signed up to do the Ultimate Blog Challenge this month though. I hope that kicks my but into gear.


8. Quit Smoking. I got close, but no cigar. I will be attempting this one again. It's bad for me all around. I know this. I will do it. 


9. Be Clutter Free. In August I managed to get rid of a TON of our old stuff in a garage sale. I didn't get rid of everything unfortunately. My garage is still full of unneeded things and so is my house, but it's significantly less full. This year I will get rid of the rest, hopefully.


10. Rigorous Honesty. I did what I could, but I still held some things back. I don't want to go into depth with this one right now, but I think that I can expand on this with a different idea in 2012. I'm just going to leave it there because it's become sort of a soft subject with me. 


Next blog will be of 2012 resolutions. Stay tuned.

Inspired.

Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. 

You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. 

And you can be anything. You can be everything.  

Don't hate everyone because someone broke your heart, Or because you parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you ,your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless.

Do not concern yourself with things you can not control.  

Cry when you need to , then let go when it's time. 

Don't hang onto painful memories because your too afraid to forget.

Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren't worth remembering.

Stop taking things for granted. 

Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. 

Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. 

Do this over and over until you know what it really takes to love someone. 

Question things. 

Tell people how you really feel.  

Sleep under the stars.  

Create. Imagine. Inspire. 

Share something wonderful.  

Meet new people.

Make someone's day.  

Follow your dreams. 

Live your life to its full potential.  

Just live dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and just fucking live.

And one day, when your old, look back with no regrets.

-Unknown 

This was found on my work computer desktop while I was cleaning it up. It inspired me and I hope it does the same for you. These truths are something that I like to preach to friends and family and even acquaintances at times. All too often though, I find myself convincing myself to do the same. Some days it's easy and on others... well... it's harder than hell. Focusing on many of these things (along with great friends and some family), is what brought me out of an awful depression. Positivity and living life to the fullest potential I can manage is now my routine focus. Some of the shit is hard to let go of, but slowly the bad is disappearing and being filled with new things that are worth my time and energy. I'm starting to feel like a real live grown-up finally at 25 years old, rather than the grown-up stuck in a kid's body that I lived as before. I am inspired. I will stop taking life for granted. I will just fucking live, dammit.

 

Blowing Away in North Dakota

Mondays. I'm not sure who decided to start them, but there is rarely anything good that happens on them. Yesterday was Memorial Day, and as I started my wonderful trip to work I knew it was going to be an awful Shakey Monday. The sun had finally found it's way from behind the clouds and the bearable humidity quickly switched to hard to breath, heat. Working in any kind of heat at Kroll's is hell. The hot grills, tin walls, neon lights, small space, and the awful ventilation system makes everyone who works there a hot, sweaty mess. Of course a lot of the staff started their Shakey Monday shift being crabby or having bad attitudes, so the heat mixed in with it made for tension and outbursts. There was only one slightly bad incident, which made my life easier, though if it wasn't for the storm later.. I have a feeling that, too, would have come back to blow up in my face. (On a side note, especially if you work in the food industry, leave your personal bullshit at the door when you enter work. I don't care where you're from or who you think you are, you need to do your best to maintain civility with your coworkers. There are plenty of people I've worked with that I do not like and annoy me, but I don't go off screaming and yelling at them whenever they get on my nerves. Show some tact and responsibility, this is your job not a high school.)

At around 8pm, clouds started to get darker and quickly changed the sky to pitch black. It really doesn't start to get dark until 9pm or so, this was a concern that big thunderstorms were on their way, but really, I've never been one to freak out about bad weather (I live in Fargo, for fucks sake). The Doppler showed a big red cloud heading straight for us, and when rain started to sprinkle I decided it would be a good time to shut the windows in my van. Kroll's went into a mild state of panic, customers were running to get to go cups for their shakes and pay for their meals. A few of the servers were more than freaked out and the rest were a little shaken up along with the other people on the clock. While I was shutting the windows in the van (and practically being blown over by the strong winds picking up), the sirens sounded. I shut and locked my van, then ran to call home. This is the one and only point that I came close to freaking out. After several attempts of not getting Kevin on the phone, I began shaking and got slightly afraid. Standing outside watching the storm, he finally picked up and simultaneously I watched the power go out in Wal-Mart and soon after, Kroll's was out as well. I told Kevin to get the kids down to the basement, his response being "What? Why?" In which I responded "Because there's a fucking tornado coming!" loudly and in front of customers. I can't say I cared much at that point though, I was just happy to get him on the phone and know my kids would be safe.

I hung up my phone and one of the girls approached me in a panic, tears already streaming down her face and barely able to make out words. I ushered the seven girls outside to the already open tornado/bomb shelter/storage space. I held the door open so the 70+ mph winds did not slam it shut. I was drenched in minutes from sideways rain that was coming down in sheets. Between the wind making it hard to breath, the weather plus the power outage making it too dark to see, and the rain pushing messing with my contacts so I was constantly forced to blink, I had to make my way down the ladder after the first 8 or 9 people had made it down safely. Luckily, I knew my manager was coming up on the tail of people and was confident he could get the rest of the people down safely.

In my five years of working, I had never been down in the shelter/storage place at Kroll's Diner. For some reason I expected to be able to stand eventually, but unfortunately it stays 4ft. tall the entire way through. It's close to the size of the entire restaurant, however, which was a major surprise to me. The initial getting everyone down there took some time, all the while the first bunch I had brought down were scared and shaken up. I quickly discovered I did not have enough arms and shoulders to comfort my staff... many of which are my friends beyond work. I also had to try to make sure everyone was still getting down okay, and with little light (until my manager appeared at the end with the flash light to save the day) it was a challenge to say the least. I got my growing half sitting down, doing my best to make rounds to comfort the shaken up staff and one of my regular customers who doesn't move around well as is. People started getting a hold of their loved ones that they were worried about and I made my way to check on the other side before going out with one of my best friends B to assess the storm. Between him, me and the manager we managed to each get a dry cigarette and working lighter. I threw my wet ones out into the wind in a small fit of anger (I'm not one to litter, ever so please forgive me) and B went to make sure there was no one left in front of the building. It seemed eerie, the rain had died down and the wind was swirling, the sky was a bright green and yellow. It was so bright that we could see across the parking lots, where we couldn't see hours before.

We weren't down there for long and we ended up crawling back out. We had 5 servers, 2 shake makers, a hostess, my manager, 1 dishwasher, 2 regulars, 4 customers, my best friend B (who had gotten off work around 8:20pm, got out of the shower at his trailer and heard the sirens), his girlfriend A, their 2 cats in a carrier, and I down there. The other dishwasher and cook on duty left soon after the sirens went off to get their families in the trailer park to safety. Once upstairs, some of us started helping clean the place up with the manager and get stuff put away and covered with the security light to guide our way. One of the girls lost her supper due to being so shaken up, I stayed away from cleaning that up, luckily another server was there to save the day. Slowly everyone started to head home after a half an hour, I was one of the last to leave besides my manager and the amazing overnight server who still showed up for her shift only a minute late. Once my phone was dry I was able to check on my daughter and some of my friends who I hadn't heard a report on. I put my soaked shoes back on and headed home to tell Kevin the tale and play a couple games of Star Trek Collector's Edition Scrabble (which I won at the 2010 Core Con and hadn't opened yet) by lantern light. The power stayed out until we went to bed around 4:30 am. I'm not sure when it came back on, but it was back by 8am when the house got up.

I was really amazed at how much Kroll's is still like a family. We definitely don't all get along all the time, some of us never will.People have dated each other, hated each other, loved each other and everything in between there. The ones that worked under Don, to the ones that have only been there 6 months to 2 years, all of us have a bond and whether they annoy us or piss us off on a regular basis, in the end we all end up taking care of each other. I know for a fact we stick up for each other, outside of work problems especially. I'm glad that wasn't my last night spent there as it was supposed to be originally. I have 2 more shifts this weekend to spend saying goodbye to that wretched place and all the people I love inside of it. I'm sure there will be a festival of my finally getting out of their hair (I expect "Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead" and similar songs to be sang in my wake). I will miss Kroll's Diner, that chapter of my life, though I think this may be the only place I'll ever admit it.

Long time coming...

Remember that New Year's resolution I made to blog a couple times a week at least? Yeah, uh, I guess I skipped that one. Sorry. I did however, make it to class almost everyday and ended the semester with all A's and B's. It was definitely a very busy semester though. Now it is over and I am preparing for my light summer courses. I now work in the Political Science and Economics Department at MSUM. It's a fun but rather boring job. I don't do much other than sit at a desk to be available should anyone call or decide to drop by with questions, etc. I sometimes get to work on little projects or copy large amounts of items for professors in the departments. The most moving around I do is going down to get the mail every day and occasionally dropping off the mail later on. There is no doubt in my mind that it will continue to drive me a little crazy in these beginning weeks but I'm sure I'll adapt soon enough.

Since I've started the new position I must point out that I am not going to try and work full time at Kroll's, take 15 credit semesters, work at the school, and try to make time in there for sleep and my children. No, instead I have decided that my 5 year long affair with Kroll's Diner has come to an end. My last day there will be June 5th. I'd be lying if I said that I'm completely happy to be rid of the place, but I'm not devastated either. There is an attachment I will have to that place and I have made some friends there that will be with me long after I leave there forever. As far as serving the general population, supervising a sub-standard sometimes downright idiotic serving staff, handling a spineless boss, and working 14 hour shifts with no break, that I won't miss.

Besides the changes in my job life, I have changed my major to Political Science and kept my minor in writing. While going over essays in the beginning of the semester for peer reviews, I decided that I did not want to spend the rest of my life analyzing essays written about books that I cherish and use to escape the depths of reality. I chose my second love, political history and theory. I'm going to be emphasizing in Strategic Studies and learning all the fun things about the history of war, designing and tearing down governments and then reconstructing them from the dirt. So far it has been great and I am getting to express a side of me I thought was lost a long time ago.

I'm finding and reshaping myself bit by bit. I am continuing to try and find who I am and who I want to be, of course I don't think this process will ever truly end. My children are growing and always finding ways to put a little more sunshine in my life, even on those days I don't think anyone could. Kevin and I... well... we're working on it and hopefully someday our relationship will be what it should be, on both sides, but for now we are civil and I'd like to say we are becoming friends again and as always we are developing into a dynamic team of parents outside of the personal bullshit. I almost forgot to mention that I was medicated this year. Diagnosis ADHD, I am now taking Adderall XR. It's not awful, but I hope to find ways to live without medication and work with the attention disorder, as I did with the depression. I have also managed to lose 33 pounds since January..... I think that's all I have to update on so far, if I forgot anything I'll be sure to write it in later. For now, I am going back to reading and from here I promise to take a little bit more time to write in this thing and finally put some new recipes in my other one. Bugz and Fishez to those who stick by this silly unupdated thing.

Sweet? Irresistably so? HA!

Apparently, I have Scarlett over at Confessions of a Shieldmaiden fooled. I have been honored with the Irresistibly Sweet blog award. Not many describe my blunt force of honesty as sweet, nor my opinionated and quirky personality, definitely not irresistibly sweet, at that. I could list several profane substitutions to the description, but instead I'll be honored to take it and keep the smile on my face.

In order to complete my acceptance, I have to list five guilty pleasures of mine... guess I'll need to narrow down the field, huh? Next I have to pass this award on to three other Irresistibly Sweet Bloggers. That one may be hard as well, I haven't been in the blog world long, so I'll do my best... I promise.

Guilty Pleasure #1: Music. Oh my ever lasting affair with music. Ever since I remember, I've been jamming out to tunes. Whether it comes from a tape cassette, compact disc, mp3 player, radio, computer, my phone, or just the station in my head, I'm almost always jamming out to something. I'm a true believer in music effecting emotions and being able to help turn a good day better, or a bad day good. I am always searching for new artists to listen to and often go to many local shows to see the up and coming amateurs. I love music, I always will. I even changed my major in school to add Music Industry, ya know... just in case.

 Guilty Pleasure #2- Writing. I've kept a journal since I was about 8 or 9. I still have that old thing somewhere and have tried to keep all of them since. Granted lately I've been more into the blog world, there's something pure about still writing everything down on paper. I write whenever I can. There's always a journal and a notebook on me, because you never know when you're going to hear a great quote or get that good idea for a story or a poem. I love writing, it's my passion and I hope to get really good at it someday, until then, I will continue to practice.

Guilty Pleasure #3- Gaming. Now, I still remember when I played an Atari for the first time. I whooped Donkey Kong's arse and I was hooked. Through the years I have been privledged to be able to play on many systems, whether I was at an arcade or at a friend's house. I play everything. My computer is always being upgraded to support the games I play online and when I need to let out some aggression, nothing helps better than grabbing a controller and popping a game into the console or CD-ROM. I will also lump in RPG's here. Yes, I roleplay. I play on twitter and forums. I've also participated in live action games, granted I haven't done that for awhile. Along with this, board games. I love board games. From cards to Trivia Pursuit to Candyland and Sorry. I love all types of games and they will always be my guilty pleasure.

Guilty Pleasure #4- Boy Meets World. I have been watching this show forever! I quote it all the time and I just can't help loving every re-run. I followed Corey and Topanga in all their flirting, break-ups and make-ups. I have every episode on my lap top and I am just in love with this show. "I married a moose, we don't need counseling" -Eric "Plays With Squirrels" Matthews. :D

Guilty Pleasure #5- Literature. I'm studying it for a profession and it's definitely a big guilty pleasure. When I have the chance to toss a text book aside and hide from the chaos that is my constant every day life, I usually can be found curled up with a book. I dream of having my own library someday. I also collect old books when I can, I love the vintage look of an old classic on my shelf.

Whew. That was a hard task to complete. Now onto the next one... naming 3 more irresistibly sweet bloggers.

1. Natasha over at The Heroine's Domain. I've had the pleasure of getting to know Natasha a lot better over the last year and she is most definitely irresistibly sweet. A fellow writer and vegetarian, her blog is filled with great reads, good advice, inspiring advice, and little geek world updates. I look forward to her posts every week.

2. Jen from Life is Good in the Land of Jen. We've only met once, but we've talked on twitter a ton. Jen is an awesome person and I enjoy the smile her blog posts and tweets bring to my face. I hope I get to move out to Washington and get to know her better.

3. Laura at Talking Muffins, she hasn't been around for a little bit but she's a good writer. From her you're sure to get good news on the pharmacy world and lots of good reads. Also, if you're obsessed with shoes... she probably has more, no kidding. We have never had the pleasure of meeting and we're polar opposites, but we have a connection that is unstoppable. I rarely go a day without talking to her at least once. Also, spam her and tell her to go to school at NDSU. :)

Thanks again for the award! I hope to continue diving deeper into the blog world and living up to this award some day. :)

2011 Hopes and Dreams

"I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take.
But since I came here,
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake" -Yeal Naim

It's a brand new year and hopefully by the end of it, a brand new me. I haven't been writing much lately and I feel really bad for it. I don't know if it was the holidays, school, work, or just my own unmotivated depression, but I just have not been sitting down and doing what I promised myself I would work more on. So far in the past week, I've been able to catch up on some sites and a few other projects. I'm sorry I've neglected my blog, I'm changing that I PROMISE.

Alright, now on to the hard part... resolutions. These are all necessary and I believe if I can achieve even half of them, I will be better for it.

1. Go to class and STUDY!-  I know that this should be a given, right? I'm paying for college and I'm already late in the game. I shouldn't be making stupid mistakes like sleeping in or just skipping class. Truth is, this last semester I was not on my game in the very least. I didn't give my all and that really reflected in my grades. I need to go to class everyday and study for the tests. I need to give my all in school, this is my future and in return, the future of my children. 
2. Convert to a vegan lifestyle- This past year I was a vegetarian for 4 months, I felt healthier and I even lost some weight. I slipped back into my old ways during vacation and never got back into it. So this year, it's all or nothing. I am moving on to being healthier and yes, it's about the animals and the environment, too.
3. Go Green- I have set up the house to start recycling. I don't live in a house, so it's a little more difficult to get everything out but, it's not an excuse. I am sick of taking the trash out everyday and I know that a family of 5 recycling, makes a difference. Along with going vegan, I will also be purchasing environment friendly products or making my own. It's going to be a transition and it will take some getting used to, but I think as a family we will be able to lessen our impact on the enviorment.
4. Pay bills on time and follow budget- I know, it's another no brainer but, what can I say? I'm a bit irresponsible with money and have dug myself a little hole because of it. I want to grow up before I'm 30 and have mountains of debt that my kids will still be paying off when I die. I have a budget set up now and my accountant of a mother will be helping me stick to it, here's to hoping I can.
5. Exercise 4 times a week- This just needs to be done. I'm overweight and it's bad for my self-esteem and my health. I want to lose 60 pounds by the end of the year and I hope I can.
6. Write a novel- Whether it's a scrapper or just a portion of it. I want to really get into my creative side and start writing something more than just fan fictions or poems. 
7. Blog twice a week- I need to keep this updated, I think it will not only help me personally but it will let my writing take off as well.
8. Quit Smoking- I need to do it, it's a burden in my life and it's yet another thing that is making me unhealthy. So, before the end of this year I want to rid myself of this vice.
9. Be clutter free- I have too much of it in my house, I'm going to get rid of it all before we move at the end of May and I want to start fresh. My home should be my sanctuary and I am determined to make it that way.
10. Rigorous Honesty- That's right, no more white lies or stupid stories that aren't true just to make myself look better. I don't need to do it and no one needs to hear it. I think it will help me with my fear of confrontation as well. So, don't ask me a question you don't want the honest answer to.

There you have it. My list of resolutions. I am determined, now let's hope I don't lose that in the following months. So far, this is my first blog post of the week. I'm sick, so I haven't worked out yet this week but hopefully tomorrow I will feel more up to the challenge. I have made all vegan meals since Monday. Unfortunately, the two blizzards that left us stranded inside prevented me from getting the ingredients earlier. I was able to say goodbye to all of my greasy and yucky eating habits though, and I'm on the road to becoming a new, healthier and hopefully, better me. Make sure to check out Good Kitchen Magic to see Scarlett and my adventures in cooking and also going vegan. Much love and I hope 2011 brings good things for you all.

Friends

As I was sitting on my balcony this morning, watching the sun come up and listening to the distant sounds of my children playing in their room, I realized that I don't have a best friend. Everyone has a best friend. I've had a few. We've managed to grow apart or get blocked by something else. It's the friend you do everything with, tell everything to. You know that if you're having a really bad day, you can call that person and they will be there, no matter what.

I recently came to a realization that my best friend and I have began to grow apart. When I moved from the Twin Cities back to Fargo-Moorhead, we slowly started to grow apart. We had little and little to talk about. This last weekend when we were supposed to hang out and catch up, I was blown off. It made me see that maybe we aren't best friends anymore, hell maybe we never were. I'm not bitter about it, I'm happy I can still say I know she is my friend, but it's not that next level anymore. She has someone else, and I'm okay with that.

Here I sit now, missing that extra person in my life. I want to be able to call someone and talk for hours. I want them to come over to my house and sit up with me drinking wine and watching movies. I want to share myself with someone, I want that connection. I miss that friend. I used to have that feeling, the feeling that I had someone. No matter what I knew that in the end I had someone who believed in me and I believed in them just as much. I knew that if I wanted to go on a road trip on a whim, they would be in the passenger seat. I knew if I wanted to try some crazy weight loss plan, they were going to try it with me. I knew that they knew everything about me and I knew everything about them. There was no reason to lie or cover up parts of your life because they didn't care. They simply loved you and you loved them.

I miss that friend, I want that friend, I hope that someday I will have that friend again.

I have a ton of great friends in my life however that continue to keep me smiling and I wouldn't trade them for anything else in this world. I simply miss a partner in crime. I no longer have that and I want it back, want it more than I can say.

Update

I began this school year off to a bad start. I have already missed a few classes (in my defense I was pretty sick) and have let my homework pile up. That needs to stop today! I cannot afford to do badly in school and I know this. I pay for it and I need this education in order to move forward in life. I need a good career so that I can give my children the best future possible.

These last two weeks have also been bad for working out, mainly because I could barely breath with this cold but I really need to be keeping up with that as well. If I want a better body, healthy weight and good skin. I need to take care of myself, which also means quitting smoking and for the most part cutting drinking out of my life as well. Smoking is by far my biggest vice. It has been my release for so many years, I do not know how I will be able to let go of it, but I know I have to. I'm joining  www.quitplan.org to quit for the month of October (and hopefully forever), with them I have a chance to win $5,000. So wish me luck with that!

Besides that, I'm working 14 hours tomorrow and 8 hours on Saturday. I will be pretty quiet through that. I'm also trying to find time between my being lazy and my busy life to write. I need to get on that and I need to do it for fun and for me, not for anyone else.

Labor Day Weekend

So I went down to the Twin Cities. I was extremely excited because I would be able to see my brother, my friends, and do a little shopping. I found out my brother was not going to be there Saturday and most of Sunday however, it was a little disheartening. I understand though because the boy has his irons in a lot of fires, being a hip hop artist is one of them and I respect that when he is booked for an appearance, he has to be there. I knew La would be there though and that kept me happy. We spent some time together on Friday night, we drank (well me and La drank and he laughed at us) and I managed to shatter a McDonalds Coke glass on cushy carpet and of course cut my foot open as well, then later on scrape up my arm. So, we did see each other.

My best friend Amy, who had earlier this week called my husband and his best friend to complain how I haven't been around, had set up some time to see me and totally ditched me when it came time for us to hang out. The next day she called in the early morning but I didn't answer, mainly because I was angry and I'm holding a grudge at the moment. She didn't leave a message or text me either so I'm just going to wait until she decides to call again, I have no time for that drama in my life.

La and I had lots of fun! We went to the Burnsville Mall on  Saturday and did some shopping, I got some new accessories and some new pants. We ate Pretzelmaker pretzels and then later we went to eat noodles at Noodles and Company. After that we went to the grocery store to get some munchies, hair dye, and something to mix with our remaining Ketel One vodka. We hung out until she had to go to bed for work. Ashley B. came over for a little while. I hung out with Ben after they went to bed, we played video games and chatted, it was fun.

Sunday I slept in and when La came home we got some Chinese food then came back and dyed our hair. Robbi came over for a bit and I got to see pics of the little baby in her belly! I'm pretty excited for her and my squishy. La and I talked and smoked lots of cigarettes while we waited for the boys. After spending some time when my brother came home, I let them have some alone time (he had to leave to go to the tattoo shop the next day) and took John on an adventure to see my squishy at Perkins. We talked for a couple hours and we went back to the house and slept. I got the boys the next morning and headed home, the drive was awful, it was raining pretty bad. But, we made it safe and sound and it was a good weekend.


I really want to find a way to move back down there and still be able to afford picking Serenity up every other weekend. This thought is to be continued, I need to go to bed and go to school tomorrow!

Late nights

I haven't been able to sleep a lot lately. My night insomnia is back and rearing it's head at me. It's been making me drag during the day, accomplishing little to nothing and I hate it. This new diet has me losing weight quickly and i like being able to finally see results, but it would be nice to find a medium. You know, get rid of everything bad in my life all at once. I know I can't though, I have to take it all one step at a time. Next step is working out on a regular basis. I'm hoping that will get my energy up during the day and down at night. After that, I want to get my teeth fixed. I went into the dentist and found out prices, now I just need to come up with the money. Smoking is my biggest vice by far, followed closely behind by my love for the taste of alcohol and the party life. I'm 24 years old and probably should be out having lots of fun at this age, but I have 3 kids and they should not have to suffer because I still have these cravings.

School is ugh, school. It's hard these two classes. I want so badly to do well and achieve something, I mean I didn't even make it all the way through high school. I need to do this. I need to have something I can be proud about myself for. I want a career, I want a PhD. I will do this. Hopefully my generals will be over soon and I can dive into my major classes. That will bring out the fun in all of this. Blah!

This is kind of a late night rambling with no real point. I'm sorry for those of you who actually take the time to read it, I have no purpose in this blog other than to ramble. Aidan and Serenity will be home Saturday. I can't wait to see them again. I don't know if I've felt them being gone, but I definitely do miss seeing their faces. I feel like such a horrible parent sometimes. Nothing is getting accomplished, someone needs to light a fire under me. I feel like a robot or a zombie most days. What the hell happened to me? When I find out I'll let you know.

Eating and buying healthy

I have to say, while walking into the supermarket after work today, it was hard to overlook the normal buys of food filled with corn starch and syrup and hormones. I resisted and made my way to my first stop, organic vegetables. I picked up some celery hearts and apples and headed to get diapers. I looked at the organic diapers for a moment, debating upon them and pampers. I still went with Pampers Cruisers Dry Max Diapers, Economy Plus, Size 5 (27+ Lbs), 124 Diapers, It has taken me 3 children and many brands to find which one works, for Liam this is all that will keep him dry and I fear I will be wasting more water washing the soiled clothes and sheets that will amount if I get anything different.

After the diapers it was on to the organics section of Cash Wise. They have always had a decent size section and they have good sales usually as well. I picked up some Soymilk, Plain, Aseptic, Organic, 32 oz., in a two pack. It was near $7.00. Knowing I would be the only one in the house to drink it, I knew that was worth it. I then grabbed some Kashi Golean Cereal, 14.1-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 6), of course it wasn't the pack of six but it was rather 3 different boxes at 4 dollars a box. I picked up Annie's Homegrown Totally Natural Shells & Real Aged Cheddar Mac & Cheese, 6-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12) and Annie's Homegrown Classic Macaroni & Cheese, 6-Ounce Boxes (Pack of 12), for lunches. I'm hoping it tastes better than the off brand we normally buy. I grabbed some  Cass Clay 1% milk for Kevin and Liam and then went to the check out. It cost 74 dollars all together and I felt good. I walked out of the store with my reusable totes full, and I felt like I was actually making a change for once. Now to stick to it. Monday is the official day of my start, I will buy only good food for me and my family and research good recipes to cook for them.

I was able to talk to a friend on the phone on the way home and I thoroughly had a good day. Now I shall go to bed because I need to be up early to get Liam ready to go to Lindsey's house while I go set up for the Carrie Underwood concert. Then I HAVE to get some homework done. I don't know if I'll be sticking around to go to the concert yet, I might but I don't know. I may pack a lunch and bring my homework along and just hang out until show time depending when I get done setting up. So, with that, good night world.